Monday, October 31, 2005

The Spirit of Halloween

{Matt buys one hot dog at Gray's Papaya. He pays with a one dollar bill, and receives a nickel for change. As he exits, a homeless man sitting outside the doorway poses to him a question}

Homeless Man: Excuse me, brother, do you have any money you could spare tonight? Anything at all would help.

{Matt looks down at the nickel in his hand, and summarily decides to give it to the homeless man. Matt places said nickel into the palm of the man's outstretched hand, then turns away.}

WHAP. {sound said nickel makes against leather as it hits matt square in the back}

Homeless Man: Are you kidding me??? What the fuck am i going to do with a nickel??? Why don't you give me some actual money so that i can get some food or get out of the cold?

Matt: The change adds up!! That's the point of panhandling! AND IT'S NOT EVEN COLD, IT'S FUCKING SIXTY DEGREES!

{End of conversation as matt storms into the subway, his faith in the goodness of humanity shattered once more}

Happy Halloween!!!

what are you gonna be?

Comment below.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

hammerkatz... killin' zombies

Pictures (top to bottom): Daniel kicked some zombie ass, "this is a rape!", dun dun DUN - "we look awesome", dun dun DUN - "shit we posed again", sime likes music and being bloody.



That was one hell of a show! I wanna thank everyone who came. We do it for YOU guys.

Especially the blood. All for you baby.

So here are some pics I took at a rehearsal for this show. Now you will know what goes on in the secret world of the Hammerkatz...

Old people are funny.

Brad likes to ruin pictures becuase he's a doo-doo head.

That girl isn't wearing any pants.

Harry does his Marlon Brando.

I think it might be both.

Mort. HAH!

It's not just fun and games folks.

Helen's a hussy.

She don't fuck around.

Ahh, the memories....

So that's that. Thank you all again and be sure not to miss our next show, Hammerkatz on Ice: A Holiday Extravaganza!

Wednesday, October 26, 2005




Ever notice how Halloween is the thrift store of holidays? (Skeletons, pumkins, cats...they really have nothing to do with each's like attic crap you find that someone decided "hey, these are spooky together"...anyway...)


FREE!!!! (as always) and....FIRST 50 PEOPLE AT EACH SHOW GET A FREE T-SHIRT!!!!!


Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Start of the trip

This is part one of the Syracuse trip video. We are not so weird here.



Water is wet.

I am defying Lauren and writing a music post.


Anywho, there's this band called Thee More Shallows and they have this album they was just released titled More Deep Cuts.

This album is very good.

What's it like you ask?

A little hard to describe, I say.
The music is very beautiful, fierce, and at times eerie.
The guy's voice is like a mix of...Ben Gibbard, Sufjan Stevens, and Jason Lytle of Grandaddy. He's likes to sing in hushed tone often.

But don't take MY word for it, listen for yourself kiddies!!!

"Freshman Thesis"

"2 AM"

Click em and devour. Then I suggest you get the whole album and have seconds, thirds, etc until you explode.

In a good way.

That is all compadres.

Hope to see you all at the show.

I will give you much candy if you come. It's right here in my van.
Just come on in.
Your mom? She told me to come pick you up. She's stuck at work.
You like lollipops? I have a lot of lollipops.
Yea...that's it....

Monday, October 24, 2005

Matt Sadewitz is 22

Matthew Sadewitz is now 22.

He is also a bad, bad man. Call him and tell him this. He is mean and evil.

--Steve, his roommate

Hey Hey Hey this is my first blog

First of all, I just want to say thanks to Dominick, Harry, and Matt for driving up to Syracuse; Dominick and DC playing mom and dad in the car ( which needs to be made into a sketch, but I can't really think about how to go about it. Oh, and by the way, Dominick, I think I left my pants in your car. Yeah, I'm have no shame); for everyone dealing with me bitching about my essays; to all the old guard for making us new fellows feel welcome even though we've got a lot to prove. What else, ahhh I hope I didn't make a fool out of myself Saturday night. Fuck, I bet I did.
My roomate's girlfriend has been visiting for the past four days and all they do is sleep together, then get pizza. And by sleep, I don't mean hardcore sex or anything. Literally it is sleep. They're like cats. It's four in the afternoon and they have been asleep since ten o'clock last night. They don't even touch each other. No spoons or anything. It kind of scares me. Plus, I don't think she has even left the room in the past four days. Oh shit, they just woke up.
"What are you writing about"
I got to go.
hammerkatz nyu

Sunday, October 23, 2005

syracuse is effing cold.

and not just the weather folks - soooo our trip to SU was this weekend and it was eventful indeed. many posts will follow i'm sure - but here's some pictures from our trip back today.
here's matthew driving (we almost died like 10 times)..
robbie, why art thou so afraid? tis only a silly english ki-nigit (yeah.. monty python fans)
yeah so.. vince the pizza prince is a tyrant - donald ended up paying $50 for a pizza. he took the better part of an hour.
who wants to work in a castle??

more pictures to follow..

Saturday, October 22, 2005

going, going, back, back, to syracuse

HKATZNYU is headed to the Syracuse University Empire Comedy Festival tomorrow morning bright and early. We plan to rock it out then party it up. (Motions to rock it up then party it out will also be entertained.) Wish us luck.

Some links to songs for the road:

Ninja High School - Canadian nerd-hop. Dig "Shake It Off," which samples dude's near-favorite song, "Naive Melody" by Talking Heads. I like it, but then again...I'm a hip-hop nerd. 2 Much Fun!

Ladytron - "Destroy Everything You Touch" - European uberdance. Music to fuck a robot to. This song rocks in the most vespa-crash-on-the-autobahn way possible.

(you will notice both these links are to, who is a much better mp3 blogger than I am.)

Friday, October 21, 2005

Polaroids are rad.

This here photo is of fellow Hammerkatz members Alex and Rachel. They are admiring art. Or maybe they're laughing at it. You can't really tell from the back of their heads.

I hope this has been as gratifying an experience for you as it has been for me.

Expect more artsy pics from me in the future.


Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Better late than never

So Dominic "all I have is time" Dierkes has been too busy reading in the park all day to post pasadena general to the derrick site, but finally,

Here it is.

Come on Dierkes, some of us have real jobs, now make with the funny or shut the fuck up.

Steve and Dan: Again with the Shakespeare

Hey everyone,

Me and Dan are in The Winter's Tale this weekend. Its pretty damn kick ass, and big as all hell. We're performing in the huge Skirball Center at Kimmel. Performances are Wednesday through Saturday at 8pm, and Saturday at 2pm. Tix are $15 but if you can get a drama student to buy them for you its only $7 (or if you're being nice i believe matt has a $15 ticket he's trying to unload for thursday, please buy it, he's all sorts of torn up about it, last night i heard weeping coming from his room).

Its very pretty and Dan gets eaten by a bear so I'd say you can't do wrong by seeing it.


a tagline in need of a movie, vol. 1

"Eskimos have 400 words for snow,

but not a single one for surrender."

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

What. The. Fuck.

Look, it's not like i hate nice weather. I don't. In fact, i love it. Alot. But there's something that just fucks with my world when there's a general consensus from everyone that it's fall, and it's chilly, and we all start dressing appropriately, and then BAM: the sun swoops down out of its orbit around the earth and shines a little too hot on my person. I'm writing this post in between classes in the basement of tisch right now because i couldn't wait one more second to stick one to ol' Mother Nature. It may interest you to know that i'm sweating my ass off inside of a hoodie (with a t-shirt underneath!!!!!!!!!1) and track pants. Then again, it may interest you to know that my relationship with otters is questionable at best after the little "run in" i had at the Bronx Zoo. I don't know. All i know is that i'm so fucking hot i want to go up to a policeman in the subway and ask to inspect HIS backpack. THAT'S how crazy i am right now. (not that i've ever been stopped by a policeman for that. i'm not brown. i'm white.) Anyway, i have to go to class and try to pretend that the heat in my classroom (that they just conviniently turned on yesterday) isn't broiling me to death inside of this sauna i call my clothes. You know what, fuck it. I'm just gonna go to a gym, get a monthly membership, and sit in a goddamned sauna in my clothes, because maybe i'll be a tad more comfortable than i am right now.

If anyone wants to join me, feel free to call. Otherwise, go punch the sun in the junk and tell 'im it's from me.

Monday, October 17, 2005

new death cab

Strictly 4 My Seth Cohenz: What do people think of the new Death Cab album? I've been down since I heard "You Can Play These Songs With Chords" the first time I ever got really drunk. (I realize it is a cliche to say you have been a fan of a band since way back. I am not saying that. This was like 2002. Nobody but fetuses call that way back.)

All my favorite bands get more instead of less poppy as albums pass (See also: Belle and Sebastian on "Dear Catastrophe Waitress). I am okay with this 'cause I am a proponent of hooks and melodies. Poppy don't necessarily equal lame.
Let's go more or less track for track while I listen to this thing:

"Marching Bands Of Manhattan" - Romantic hyperbole. Crappy when done by an awkward girl in your ninth grade english class. Great when done by this band. Neat-o hook: "your love is gonna drown."

"Soul Meets Body" - Supergood single I heard for the first time on the radio in LA this weekend. Initially the high note bugged me but I'm a grownup about it now three days later. Dig it. Is that banjo? How do instruments work? I'm a sucker for any song with "bah-bah-bahs," pretty much.

"Summer Skin" - One of your typical Death Cab motifs: you and I are making out until summer ends and it gets cold. Love as something you leave in your pocket and forget about. A "meh" version of the very good "Tiny Vessels" off Transatlantacism.

"Different Names For The Same Thing" - Solid ballad. Would have more to say if I had emotions.

"Someday You Will Be Loved" - Reeks of Train-style "Meet Virginia" "Drops of Jupiter" "I am writing this in hopes that scads of girls with low self esteem will identify with this song's generalities" song stylings. Boo, Gibbs, Boo. The same girls would identify with another "District Sleeps," and that would keep you from having to write a bad song, like this one.

"I Will Follow You Into The Dark" - A solo acoustic love letter slash travelogue, uber-cleverly-worded: this song is almost a pitch-perfect reset of B&S' "Piazza New York Catcher," minus baseball references, right down to the phrasing. But I love that song, and it would probably be awesome if Ben Gibbard sang it, so that grandfathers this song into the "strongly awesome" category.

"Crooked Teeth" - Hooray! In-betweeny feelings like drunken fuckregret are the ones Death Cab does best! This one r00lz. Dig the harmonies toward the end.

"What Sarah Said" - Gibbs has a shoe fixation. Every other Postal Service and DCFC song, dude mentions his kicks. He's staring at them at the beginning of this song. That said: I heart the shit out of this song. If America has to have a Coldplay, at least it's these guys. "So who's gonna watch you die?" Dark. Dark, Gibbs, dark.

"Brothers On A Hotel Bed" - Very Kanye "Heard 'Em Say," in that the intro prepares you for a completely different song than the one you end up hearing. Alas, the song you end up hearing never really, uhm, starts. A big waste of what I think might be occasional steel guitar.

"Stable Song" - Will not be able to hum this once I am done listening to it, which is too bad. A non-note to end the album on.

So, upon first listen: not as bad as I suppose the haters would like it to be. Not half as good as Transatlanticism. A solid record that might worm its way into my indie-heart upon repeated listens, if I can tear myself away from the NP's Twin Cinema for long enough to make that happen.

Donald makes music and writes about lingerie parties. I write about music and make...gee, I wish I could say "lingerie," if only for the sake of parallelism, and the fact that lingerie models would probably be lounging around all the time.

In keeping with the write-about-music/post-a-song policy here on hkatznyu, here's a song by a band from Portland who recorded their first album in their kitchen. It r0x.

The Thermals - "Remember Today" (Right click/save as)

An amazing feat

I have just achieved a dream I didnt even know I had.

I have just been invited to a lingerie party. Like an actual one.

And its funny. Lots of girls put up fake facebook parties that are not ACTUALLY lingerie parties. Basically its a ploy to get guys to come and they actually spend the rest of the night talking about how people should be getting naked, they use it to break the ice, maybe one asshole guy takes of his shirt, but quickly puts it back on when he realizes hes gonna have to make a Mikes Hard Lemonade run in a minute.

No, no, no, no. This is an actual lingerie party. If you step to the door with clothes, you cant come in. Or you have to throw them in a bin when you get there. I had it confirmed by the host.

This is probably as close as Ill ever get to the O.C. or Entourage, so Im stoked. You dont hear a lot about cool parties cause I feel in general NYU students are too good for stupid theme parties. Unless theyre ironic. But ironic parties blow. And theres usually Modest Mouse or something playing. Note: Indie/emo/hipster kids, you cant dance to indie. I love indie music, its awesome. But if Im at a party, drinking, smoking, dancing, whatever, I wanna hear Biggie calling a woman a ho or killing a cop.

Its all fantasy. Let me enjoy my fantasy. Geez.


Sunday, October 16, 2005

DC's Suggestion...

***NOTE*** : Donald is mc DJ.


DC told mc DJ he should make a remix of "The Denial Twist" by the White Stripes. So he did. He also made another song called "La La" ft. Childish Gambino. Check them out.

mc DJ -
"The Denial Twist" (Dirty Remix)


Thursday, October 13, 2005

I'm just sayin...

I like to think of myself as an actor.

That is why I am here at NYU; I am studying acting here at Tisch.

My first year here I was constantly surrounded by fellow actors and Tischies in all my classes. For the most part, I enjoyed being in the Tisch bubble.

This year things are a little different.

I am taking Intro to Psych because I am very interested in the human psyche and behavior. It compliments acting quite well.

Because of this connection, there are several of us acting students in my Intro to Psych recitation.

I immediately regret grouping myself with the other acting students because they are (to be blunt) very obnoxious. No, wait...extremely obnoxious.

These are kids who in high school might be called "drama fags". I use this term for lack of a better one. I mean not to offend.

They are unnecessarily loud, rude, full of themselves, and might I add, stupid.
I usually don't pass such judgement upon people but they have annoyed the living fuck out of me for the past 6 weeks.
I feel bad for everyone else in the class who isn't an irritating wanna-be actor. These quiet individuals are there because maybe someday they'll be a psychologist, researcher, doctor, social worker, etc and they want to get the most out of the class. I feel they are unable to do that because these idiots are constantly taking up the short time we have with their inane questions and unwarrented laughter. I really thought I escaped from these people when I left high school.

It seems they constantly, chatter away in an asinine fashion solely because they are too goddamn stupid to realize they exist so they have to hear sound come out of their empty heads to confirm their futile existance.

I am grateful that in my studio there are none of these sort of people. I am part of a respectful and intelligent bunch that doesn't need constant attention thrown at them. I like that.

Now, if you are one of these "drama fags", I have one piece of advice for you:


Seriously. No one gives a shit about how you're the "class greeter for the day". Just fucking stop it.

Now that that's settled, I have a date with one Chan Marshall.

Here's here new song off her soon-to-be released album.
Relish it, bathe in it, eat it for fucking dinner. It's THAT good.

The Greatest - Cat Power.

That was my rant. I hope you learned something.

Especially YOU!

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

More music stuff

I've decided to take a break from hip-hop. I realized that most of my ideas when it comes to making music come from things that are not hip-hop related. Sort of like with sketch comedy, most of the good shit comes from reading a good book or reading an article that is in no way comedic. Then you start thinking and BAM! The funny. Or just cool ideas in general.

So on that tip Id like to introduce Esthero. Shes this Canadian singer. Really good. I was really into her in high cchool and she just came out with her second album Wikked little Grrrrls. Heres a sample. Its sorta Sade-esque and sexy in a something youd play when it's raining in a BET late night special. But so sick. Awesome. Bye.

Esthero - Wikked Lil Grrrls -
Thank Heaven for You


Monday, October 10, 2005

Hollywood grabs deep within its colon and produces another masterpiece.

I have receieved information about a film coming out next year starring Samuel L. Jackson (once a respected actor) that is incredible.

I mean incredible in the worst way.

The film, is titled "Snakes on a Plane". It is a very ingenious title as you will soon find out.

The plot summary?

And I quote: "On board a flight over the Pacific Ocean, an assassin, bent on killing a passenger who's a witness in protective custody, let loose a crate full of deadly snakes."

No, it is NOT a comedy. It's listed as a Horror/Thriller/Action.

Don't believe me?
Then go here you stuborrn ass.

I wonder how much money Sam L. Jackson has lost to gambling/whores/drugs to justify him being in this.

The director, David R. Ellis, had directed such modern classics as Final Destination II and Homeward Bound II: Lost in San Francisco. Ahh yes. The city of...lost talking dogs.

Hey, maybe it'll be...good.

I won't judge until I see the film. Or...just the trailer.

Or maybe even, the poster.
Nonetheless, I want a "Snakes on a Plane" tshirt for my birthday/xmas, which just happens to be the same day.

Alright, I'll end this entry before I ramble off into a history of the miracle of my birth bla bla, messiah....savior, whatever.

And on that note, here's an mp3 you should download. That's all I'll say.

Noah's Ark - Cocorosie.

I'm out bitches!

Friday, October 07, 2005

skinny kids talk music... what I fear this blog will become if me and Sime keep posting more than anybody else.

And then it will be just like the rest of the Internet.

That said: Like
Sime, I hate it when people shout out requests at concerts. Unless I'm doing the shouting, then it's totally justified, 'cause I knows what I likes and I have the right to share, loudly. I still insist that the Decemberists owe me "Here I Dreamt I Was An Architecht" live. I saw them twice this spring, no luck. You KNOW I shouted it a bunch, though.

Sime said he's seen two shows now where the opening act was somebody with a ukelele. Sheems: was the first one
Emilyn Brodsky, opening for the aformentioned 'cemberists? If so: wasn't she fucking awesome? I have been nursing the most retarded music-nerd-crush on her since that show. It may have been the part between cute-yet-incisive ditties where she told a guy in the crowd she "hates hippies." Y'all: check her site for mp3s and share in my rockgeek infatuation.

I think I'm gonna establish a policy whereby if you express a musical opinion, you have to post an mp3 to go with it. It don't have to be related (as I'm about to prove) but I feel like it gives us something to share besides opinions, which, as we know, are like assholes: you are one. (OH SNAP!!! YOU ARE AN OPINION!) Music is the real deal, the opinions are just fumes we throw off in the futile attempt to give back as much love as the music give us.

And if that's pretentious, I don't wanna be...not pretentious.

In the spirits of broad proclamations I don't feel much like taking back, here's a song you will love if you have a soul:

Architecture In Helsinki - "Do The Whirlwind" (right click/save as/rock out)

Now how about we hear from somebody who, y'know, goes outside occasionally?

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Is there lipstick on my nose?

Those of us lucky and cool enough to go see Regina Spektor tonight @ Skirball know how special that woman is.

It was part of the NYU Low-Decibel Notes From the Underground concert series. That means that the music is soooo cool that the notes are....low and...umm.....un...umm...they can't be...heard?
I don't know. I didn't name it. Leave me alone.

Anywho, Regina Spektor was amazing and adorable. She played a bunch of new songs that sounded quite awesome, as did the songs from previous albums. I was really close to the stage (second row bitches!), so it was wonderful and felt kinda intimate. Too bad the Skirball is ridiculously huge for something like this.

The best part is her mother was sitting RIGHT behind me. I resisted looking back at her during the song in which Regina sang "Two people next door are fucking to my song" to see her reaction. Hmm.

One thing I really do dislike at concerts is when people shout out names of songs they want to hear played, as if it's fucking TRL or some shit. Someone did that at one point early on and she said, ok and played that song. Since that seemed to work people thought it was ok to keep doing it. Later on while a bunch of people we're shrieking out song titles one guy said, you can play whatever you want and Regina liked that. I guess this modern, consumer culture has taught us that we always get what we want, so we must DEMAND it. People don't think that mayb, just maybe she might have a set list and want to play certain songs. Whatever. I'm over it! I really am!!

Oh, I forgot to mention the guy that opened for her: Micheal something-or-other...I can't recall his last names. He sang nautical love songs while playing a ukelele. This is the second time I've seen a show at NYU where the opening act played solely a ukelele. What the hell is going on?!? He was good nonetheless. He had a good sense of humor and was a good songwriter.

So yea, all in all a fantastic show! I wish I took a camera because I was in a prime spot to take pictoors. If anyone out there in cyberland reading this took any pics or snuck in a video camera and recorded some footage...send some my way:

Let's hope the next Low Decibel Animal Sounds Ground Rumble Coolnes concert is jsut as good.

And with twice as many ukeleles.

au revoir

you all everybody

So myself, Donald, Dominic, and Dan are in Donald's hometown of Atlanta to perform the DERRICK show this weekend. It is weird: I am very close with this dude yet this is the first time I have met his parents or been in his house. Needless to say, so far we have spent this remarkable opportunity in a locale so different from our everyday watching LOST on DVD in Donald's basement. If you have seen Lost you know how okay it is that we've focused so much on it.

(Private non-spoiler message for the Losties out there: DUDE!!! WHOA! RIGHT? The second season is NOT fucking around.)

Responding to other people's posts:

Rachel is under the impression she's the only freshman in HKATZNYU. This is correct. We often make her the target of tirades about how we just don't understand the youth of today and their fast talk and their godless technology. I made it my business to smash her iPod nano with my cane.

Sime likes the new Broken Social Scene album. I haven't heard it, but like he said, their first one is a closer. In the car on the way here we had a very autumnal sunset moment to "Anthems Of A Seventeen Year Old Girl," after which we pulled over to the side of the interstate and made the fark out, all four of us dudes. Speaking of, "I'm Still Your Fag" is the prettiest song ever to feature the words "I swore I would drink your piss." This is empirically true. Scientists have handed me charts about this sort of thing.

Matt celebrates Rosh Hashanah the way he celebrates every day: recklessly shoving food in his mouth while laughing in the face of store employees. I have been in Space Market with this man while he gleefully ate nine dollars worth of sushi bar in that way where you keep pretending you're not gonna do a bad thing then you go "oops," and shove another tuna roll in your face and cackle, you know the way I'm talking about. Very few of the great Evil Geniuses have been Jewish. We're glad to have one of the few on our team.

Lauren will make you join our
Facebook group whether you like it or not. Join us before we're so popular we ain't popular no more.

There is a facebook announcement up right now for a bar that offers both "FIVE DOLLAR PITCHERS/BEER BONG IN BACK" and "UNDERGROUND HIPHOP." 'Cause nothing says concious, socially active rhymesaying like a sorority girl getting reverse-stomach-pumped full of Natty Light.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a big concious hip hop fan (I like my rap shallow, thanks) so I was actually favoring the Natty-Light-dumpster-girl in this comparison.

Now I'm imagining a stereotypical party girl fighting Common. It would look something like:


Imagine she's throttling him with the beer bong tube and Common just piledrives her. Seriously, dude is like seven one even without the pretentious muffin hat.

Just imagine it.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Happy Rosh Hashanah

These two weeks of October mark the high holy days of the Jewish year. After sitting in temple yesterday, i was feeling bittersweet and a little remorseful for all the gentiles out there who don't get to experience the small, wonderful perks of being jewish. So in the spirit of this wonderful time, i'm going to let everyone in on one of the best kept secrets of the Jewish culture:

"How to Save Money by Eating Entire Meals From the Free Sample Trays at Whole Foods."

Now, to the unlearned and thoroughly unJewish layman, certain questions would almost definitely arise at this statement. "is this ethical?" "am i taking advantage of something that is meant for everyone to share?" "seriously, matt, am i getting anywhere NEAR the amount of nutrients i need for a healthy diet?" The answer to all these questions is a fervent, unequivocal, very-yes! If the idea of free food at the expense of others is not enough to get you out of the house and over to that bastion of gleaming organic over-pricedness that is Whole Foods, then maybe this will: under federal law, not taking advantage of a free sample station is tantamount to treason. Still not enough for you? I'll walk you through it. Baby steps, people.

Enter the Union Square whole foods through the main entrance. Walk in about 50 feet, and you should see the dessert/bakery/pastry area directly to your left. Typically, you will see a sample tray on the counter by the register, which consists of one of three things: 1) Monster Oatmeal cookies. Not made from an actual monster, the name comes from their size. In sample form, though, they're much smaller. It's ok though, take 7. If you want to be bold and mark your territory, look the cashier right in the eye, as you blindly grab at the tray. This will let them know that you aren't blithely rude, but in fact, are completely aware and cognizant of your decision to smash the rules of societal etiquette. 2) Piroulines (chocolate wafer sticks), or 3) puffed fudge pastries. Some may debate the wisdom of having dessert first, but i find that the tart taste of chocolate/oatmeal cleanses your palette from whatever was lingering before you walked into the store, and readies you for a fuller experience with the other samples. To be cute, we'll call them "samplies".

On to more samplies. Continue straight, hugging the left hand wall, and you'll encounter the sushi area. If you don't like sushi, skip this section. sushi samples are the rare flight of fancy for the discriminating sample connoisseur, as i sometimes find myself wondering how long the fish has been sitting in those little paper cups. Also, they simply aren't there often. once a week, i'd say. It's more of a weekend thing, i imagine. Try my very own jewel of the Nile: the salmon, shrimp, and avocado roll. It's delicious.

As you curve to the right along the left hand wall, you'll straighten out and move crossways across the store. This is the meat section, and you can find a daily variety of samples: meatloaf cubes, brisket squares, and marinated steak tinies are standard fare here. Eat your fill: 4 or 5 should do you fine. Avoid eye contact with other patrons trying to get one. You don't need to be contaminated with their negative energy. Stay positive. you're here for a reason. **AUTHOR'S NOTE: always remember that in ANY deli (not just whole foods), you can always ask for a taste of any deli meat. Next time you're late for class and you need a snack, pop into the local deli, scan the meat display for a few seconds and say the follow magic words: " i try a taste of your honey ham? boar's head, please". Open Fucking Sesame. Then, when you taste the cut, pretend you don't like it, and ask for a second choice. After eating that one, say "ok, thank you...i'll be back after class." Don't go back.

At this point, you're pretty much done with the upstairs. BE WARNED: the fresh food bar(s) is also located in this area. Do NOT be tricked: this is FOOL'S GOLD. There are employees watching for potential snackers trying to take a taste of the exotic faire. If you are caught, you'll be flagged for attention for at LEAST the remainder of that day. Be a ghost in the night, a passing thought, a shadow on the wind. Don't attract attention to yourself.

Let's recap: you've hit up the cookies, sushi (hopefully), and meats. There might be a secondary meat sample out, but that's also usually a weekend thing. At this point, you've garnered a good amount of your breads (cookies, rice in the sushi), your meats (fish and meat samples), but only a little bit of vegetables (seaweed in the sushi). Dairy has been discounted altogether. It's time to round you out, n00b. Let's go downstairs.

take the escalator down or, if you're a fucking caveman, the stairs. Once you're downstairs, you're in the clear. The downstairs area, i would estimate, is packed about 3.2 times more densely with products than the upstairs. This means one important thing in terms of your mindset for raping the free samplies. Point of fact: more products require more upkeep. The employees downstairs are much busier than upstairs, as they must be constantly stacking the shelves, helping customers, texting their ho's at home, etc. This will make it much easier for you to achieve that "ghost in the night" thing i was telling you about. With renewed spirit, push forth off the escalator and into my personal favorite: the cheese section.

Your servings of dairy are about to get buttfucked in this section (that's a good thing). Waft over to the cheeses. I would not be surprised if they had a mediocre Irish cheddar on display, or perhaps an aged Stiltson. Not like you'd even know, rookie. I mean, look at you: you don't care. It's tangy, that's all you know. (sigh). Anyway... Typically, the cheese will be cubed, and more often than not, there will be toothpicks already stuck into the blocks for you. Execute the Cyrznciek maneuver. For those of you not in the know, the Cyrznciek maneuver is a method of snagging food by stretching your hand and palm open as wide as you can, and then wrapping the fingers, one after the other, quickly around the desired food while simultaneously yanking backwards. This was originally coined in 1938 from holocaust survivor Moishe Cyrznciek. The legend says that he had covertly accessed the pantry in the concentration camp where he was interned. Alone, and with only moments to spare, he swiped over 8 pounds worth of food in less than 7 seconds. He brought the food back to those sharing his barracks with him and saved their lives. Skeptics say that for this maneuver to have actually worked in that situation, all the food in the pantry would have to have been stuck with toothpicks. I say that a little faith is required, and it's the spirit of the story that counts, not the literal interpretation. Just like the bible.

Following the display counter away from the cheeses, you'll head into the sauce section. Usually nothing here, but i've been known to destroy a pesto sampling station that once occupied this demilitarized zone. If there happens to be an attendant dishing out sauces of some kind, once again, look him/her right in the eye as you taste every sauce 2 to 3 times. This will make him/her piss his/her pants and certainly pave the way for you to walk all over him/her on your next encounter (hopefully with a different product). As you eat the spread, think to yourself "you can't step to my nuts, bitch".

I feel as though this primer has been enough to get you on your feet. I've notated the known sample depositories, but that doesn't mean there won't be wildcards. Be sure to search every aisle in the downstairs maze. The fruits of labor are sweet, and come to those that earn them. When i say fruits, i mean it metaphorically...the hidden samples you find may not necessarily be fruits at all.

So there you go. you're well on your way to healthy, delicious, free eats. I'll be back soon with more wonderful tips and tricks. Don't say i never did anything for you.

Remember: if anyone, Whole Foods employee or otherwise, calls you on your behavior: look them in the eye and tell them you're jewish.

oh sime

in response to sime's post - i recently was told that mixtapes are illegal, much like downloaded music and burned cds.. all i'm saying is that if gov't cracks down on the mixtape scene, relationships are seriously going to suffer... cause i mean, do you ever really know a person until you've listened to their mixtape? it's like the sparknotes of their soul.

think about it.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005


Hi y'all. I'm Rachel Bloom...a new member of the team. And the only freshman, I believe. I'm scared and lonely, so be my friend and use my willingness for servitude to your advantage. You know. Tell me to get pizza, clean your socks, do away with a family member...I'm a dishrag.

In all seriousness, I'm really happy to be a part of the team. My goals include

1. Not screwing up

Uh, that's the only goal for right now.

As they said in the 60's: "Peace out."

As they said in the 90's: "Do you think the Spice Girls will be together forevor?"

As they say now: "Bye."

Handjobs for the Holidays.

So today I did one of my favorite things to do here in New York City.

I strolled on over to Other Music and bought some cds using the mighty, and often misunderstood Campus Cash.

My mission, once I arrived, was to obtain the new Broken Social Scene album.

If you do not know who Broken Social Scene is, then you are seriously deprived. Go out and buy their last album,You Forgot it In People. It's one of my favorite albums of all-time. Plus they're Canadian. Cmon.

How does this one compare to their last album you ask?

Well, I've only listened to it once, but I do like it. However, I would say that You Forgot it in People has a more memorable and classic feel to it. This one seems, I guess you'd say. Maybe I just need to listen to it a few more times and let it soak into ma bones.

I would recommend it. Especially as stocking stuffers or to give to trick-or-treaters.

That concludes my weekly music report.

Tune in next week when I discuss the essentials of the perfect mixtape.



my darlings i do have a task for you
our facebook group "hammerkatz nyu"
needs have 300 members, or ev'n more,
by our next show - october 29th.
if this you all complete by that set date
a special prize we will have for you all!

join up, one and all. we love you.

Sunday, October 02, 2005



Let's see how this goes...

Hi, my name is Sime Viduka. I' here.
I'm...I', super...glad that I have become a Hammerkat...katz...umm...yea...

Uh...that wasn't so...bad...

And now with the glory of the magical Google image search we can find out what a hammerkat actually looks like:


I really don't have anything to say.
Unless anyone has any questions about me. Like for example, what I like to do on my spare time? What do I look for in a life partner? Who the fuck stole my laundry hamper?

That last question I cannot answer....for I do not know.

Now that I've completely soiled the Hammerkatz name with this mindless blog, I'll end with another nonsensical picture. Because I like those:

Hail mighty synth.

Catch ya on the flip side.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

my ipod got!


My iPod got deleted. Not a song left on the boy and no backup to speak of. That thing rocked so many parties. It had two copies of every Biggie song so they'd come up on Shuffle more often. It was the father I never had, by which I mean the father that was a third-generation 20-gig mp3 player 98-percent full of indie rock, hip hop, and that one song from Space Jam that Matt put on there.

So you know I'm distraught.

Naturally you're asking, what can I do to help?

You can send me mp3s at

You can physically hand me burned mixes and CDs you have lying around. I will meet you to make the hand-off and we can drink a peach Snapple (or perhaps green tea Snapple, if that's how you ride) or you could drop something in my mailbox (PIERSON, DONALD) on the 7th floor of Tisch (721 B'way), Dramatic Writing Department. Lemme know: 646 226 2930.

In any case, I would be eternally in your debt. And we would've drank Snapple, which means we'd be bonded for life.

I need music. All of it.