Tuesday, December 13, 2005

End of Semester Woes: Busywork Ahoy!

So for this entire semester, I have been interning for school credit at a production company. More specifically, i have been doing clerical work for Scott Rudin Productions (filing, photocopying, running errands, etc). So, in an effort to somehow be sure we're learning something, NYU mandates that we write a paper at the end of the semester detailing what we've learned during our internship. I don't like that. I share with you now my final semester paper in its entirety. I hope i get an A!

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Internship: What I Learned; A Compendium for the Curious (As Well As Other Stories, Triumphs, and Feats of Strength)

Scott Rudin's office is not a place for the faint of heart. The moment I arrived at his doorstep as innocent as a newborn babe, I was thrust into the breakneck intensity of the production world. I was imbued with responsibilities not often delegated to one of my tender age. With the strength, stamina, and begrudging patience of Atlas, I shouldered this load with my newly acquired powers. I discovered that, with concentration, I could tap deep into my soul and unlock hidden reserves of titan-like strength and agility I never knew I had. I quickly jumped into action! I stood in the center of the office with my arms outstretched and proclaimed, "I am Matt! No more, no less! Your tedium is over, for I am here to assist you in any way you can imagine! If you need me, I'll be PLAYING SOLITARE IN THE BACK!" My edict was met with stares of bewilderment and ringing phones, but mostly with silence. As I scanned the room for a friendly face of acknowledgement, I saw a look of terror wash over one of the assistants' faces. I quickly turned to see Scott Rudin himself standing in the doorway of his office. He was beet red, and his breath seemed to reverberate off the walls, its force peeling paint along the way. My outburst, it seems, had interrupted his meeting with the future director of Jarhead II: The Vacuum of Space. He charged at me like a mother rhino protecting her children. The top of his head connected with my gut, lifting me off my feet and tossing me 15 feet across the room with a mighty head-butt. Circling me slowly, he baited me to engage him. In a flash of clarity that I am usually not privy to in my everyday life, I saw the situation with open eyes. This was a test. He wanted me to prove my mettle. It was necessary that I show him I was a survivor, worthy to work in his office. Grabbing two of the office landline phones, I nimbly detached the handsets from the base units and, connecting them with a shared phone wire, constructed a set of makeshift nunchucks (or as the Japanese say, nunchaku). He was obviously dazzled by my prowess with the weapon, as his eyes glazed over with fear and regret as I approached him. The whirling phone-nunchuck was only a ruse though. With a flick, I tossed the item away mid-whip. He watched it soar gracefully through the air, carving a path like a sparrow in the nighttime sky. Seeing him distracted, I began a slow trot towards him that evolved into a rush, and then, a savage charge. Flinging myself parallel to the ground, I drop kicked him in the chest and heard a crack as I shattered his sternum and ribcage. The kick sent Scott Rudin, one of the most powerful producers in our nation, out into the open air 10 stories above the ground enveloped in a shower of glass. He didn't scream once. "Scotttttttttt!!!" I yelled, reaching for his hand. As he descended from the arc of his trajectory out of his office window, I saw a look of newfound respect in his eyes. He held eye contact with me for the entire beautiful moment before he disappeared below the horizon of the window ledge. Gasping for breath, and with the adrenaline still making my blood play a pumping, drumming beat in my ears, I slowly looked around the office with tears in my eyes. The silence felt like an eternity. My shaking hands made me feel cheap, easily broken. I was positive I was not the warrior he wanted. Then, one of the assistants stood up. He began to slowly clap as a smile crept across his face. This clap turned into a dozen more, and a dozen more after that as other workers stood to offer a thunderous tidal wave of applause. Utterly spent, I collapsed and was nursed to sleep by the hottest employee at the company. I slept fitfully for 3 days. On the fourth day, I awoke with a start, and went to the office. Scott Rudin, apparently, was totally fine. Don't ask me how. He smiled at me like nothing happened. After that first day, things were pretty much uneventful around the office.

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I have yet to receive an angry email from my advisor regarding my paper. I hope that means i learned alot this year.

1 comment:

Lauren said...

haha that was brilliant matt. congrats on a great semester :) you are the warrior we all want.